I Could Care Less
There is that saying, “I couldn’t care less.”
People use it often, easily and rather flippantly. There are those that botch its use, saying, “I could care less” which is actually the simplified, slang version, and which is in complete opposition to what the speaker is actually intending to say. Notwithstanding grammatical correctness, the real or implied message is either;
- I seriously don’t care or,
- Secretly, I care, more than I want to, need to, am expected to, or should.
In the first case, good on you. I admire the person who, without apology is genuine and honest about what matters to them. I may not agree with a person not caring as I do about a particular thing, but psychopaths and sociopaths aside, it’s just not my place to judge. While I wish for a world of rainbows and unicorns, I recognize the irrationality of it all. I do not have the energy to impose my values on others who do not align with them. I’m not saying it’s easy; I just know the limits of my power and reach. While I naturally try to influence others to do the research, challenge assumptions and beliefs and encourage diverse, multi-faceted thinking, I prefer to model attitudes and behaviours rather than shoving them down one’s throat.
In the latter case, not caring is policed entirely by judgment, rooted in early socialization, aggressively enforced by institutions across one’s lifetime where non-compliance results in the application of shame by self or others. Much of this judgement is shaped and influenced through a lens of irrational beliefs by the champions and cheerleaders of a black and white, should or should-not approach to life.
Albert Ellis, the founding father of cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and one of the most influential psychologists of the 20th century created a list of 12 irrational beliefs. With versions of his work adapted over time, they all demonstrate how our thinking becomes skewed by our irrational beliefs and how our action or inaction directly correlates with these patterns of thinking. We will likely see ourselves in one or more of these and to become more enlightened means recognizing when we are falling into negative patterns of thinking and then reframing them so that our beliefs, thoughts and actions are operating healthily in tandem.
Ellis’ 12 Irrational Beliefs are based on the ideas that:
It is a dire necessity for adults to be loved by significant others for almost everything they do
Certain acts are awful or wicked, and that people who perform such acts should be severely damned
It is horrible when things are not the way we like them to be
Human misery is invariably externally caused and is forced on us by outside people and events
If something is or may be dangerous or fearsome, we should be terribly upset and endlessly obsess about it
It is easier to avoid than to face life difficulties and self-responsibilities
We absolutely need something other or stronger or greater than ourselves on which to rely
We should be thoroughly competent, intelligent, and achieving in all possible respects
Because something once strongly affected our life, it should indefinitely affect it
We must have certain and perfect control over things
Human happiness can be achieved by inertia and inaction
We have virtually no control over our emotions and that we cannot help feeling disturbed about things
(Source: iveronicawalsh.wordpress.com)
Now that we’ve looked at these destructive and untrue belief culprits that may guide our actions, let’s circle back to the impact of not caring. We often care because we should, because not caring is perceived as an act of rebellion with serious consequences for our acceptance and placement in this world. Not caring may mean loss; loss of relationships, respect, credibility, dignity, roles, jobs and things.
If someone operates from any of Ellis’ list of irrational beliefs, they may believe that by deliberately choosing not care, they will be:
Unable to explain their position
Faced with immediate and long-lasting judgment
Disliked, unloved, ostracized by everyone
Continuously reminded of their lack of caring
Silently questioned about their integrity and intelligence
Punished, perhaps by a greater force
Blacklisted as a bad person forever
It’s easy to see why caring by default rather than by intention would appear to be the better option. Irrational beliefs are notable by their all-or-nothing design and the embedded, implied permanency of them. It is here that we must pause, step out and challenge the extremes in our beliefs. The best way to begin is to revisit our beliefs by looking at the alternatives to Ellis’ list. This could apply to any situation where we must make a decision and/or take action. We must take the deep dive to understand our beliefs and intentions.
Generally speaking, the alternatives to irrational beliefs would look something like this:
Our own self-love and self-respect are the only approvals we can control
People make mistakes; a bad choice does not equal a bad person
Everything is not within our control so let those things go
Life happens, but how we experience and react to it is on us
Deal with issues head-on and accept what is beyond you to manage
Avoidance and denial make a negative situation harder in the long run
You are your greatest source of strength. You’ve got this.
Accept yourself as imperfect, with limitations. Accept others as the same.
Take lessons learned from an experience but leave the experience behind.
Life is a beautiful mess of what-ifs and maybes and who-knows; roll with it.
Joy comes from being engaged in life and connected to the human experience
We own our beliefs and emotions and can change them
When we take a rational approach to our beliefs and apply them to the example of deciding not to care about a particular person, place or thing, we may instead realize that:
My choice to not care about one thing does not make me a bad person
Some people may not agree but they do not define me or my value
Some people may not agree but I have no control over their opinion
What I believe and confidently stand behind is what matters most to me
Having the love of others does not require me to be compliant
If my relationships are conditional, I am not interested in them anymore
People who truly like/love me will engage me in thoughtful conversation and respect my choices
I may lose friends and I may gain some, and that is how life goes
I may change my mind about caring about this, but this is where I am for today
This 2020, I could care less, and I will. I will care less about that which does not serve me well. I will care less about people, places and things that are inherently damaging to my well-being. When I find myself caring and its weight is swallowing me, I will reflect on why. I will detach from the personal. I will become a bystander of my beliefs. I will seek clarity. I will evaluate for irrationality. I will challenge the purpose and value of my choice to care. I will right any unreasonable thoughts. I will choose to care, or not, but with intention.
Not caring will naturally result in some amazing and welcome gains; gained peace, health, wellness, relationships, the space for new joys. By saying no to one thing, you are making room for something else, something positive.
I’m an empath, so caring is not a simple thing. When you are a highly sensitive person and tuned into people in a more pronounced way than most, caring can be burdensome. This is why I need to make intentional caring (or not caring) my project. Add my desire for excellence and my natural draw to social work and community development, you have the perfect storm for excessive and unnecessary worrying. Frankly, I no longer wish to wear my worry as a badge of honour. I have decided that putting my energy, my heart, my passion and my essence in worthy places is paramount to my joy and this commitment is something I’m choosing to make utterly non-negotiable.
How can you care with intention?
Be acutely aware of your cares, often realized as worries
Evaluate: do you (1) REALLY care, or (2) do you care out of fear, obligation, programming or by default?
If (1), fabulous; keep your care on!
If (2), revisit your beliefs as irrational (or not)
Challenge irrational beliefs (re-frame any all-or-nothing thinking)
Decide to care (or not), but with strength and confidence
In literal terms, it is rare that most of us couldn’t care less, however it is far more common that we could care less. In 2020 and beyond, give yourself permission to do so. Place your energy in worthy hands and lean in to peace, calm and mental and emotional freedom like your life depends on it.
Happy New Year, 2020 xo
