The Art of Going Deep

The world can seem a precarious place anymore, and while I don’t need to list the issues, I can say that there are very few people I know who aren’t impacted emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially, or otherwise. As much as I strive to recognize and experience the endless awesomeness of life, I am not naïve to think everything is rainbows and butterflies. I do, with intention try to avoid anything that may disrupt my peace of mind; a peace I’ve spent a lifetime trying to achieve and which still takes a great deal of effort. But I’ve moved the needle by becoming increasingly self-aware of how and why my mental health is impacted by both (1) my often-flawed internal commentary and (2) external factors beyond my control, or others I can control by curating my life to exclude unnecessary agitations. I still worry, and in the rare quiet moments of my mind, I seek solutions. And when I can’t, I move my body. I write. I create a quick joy for myself. I focus on gratitude. I utilize things I’ve learned from great minds, often mantras I’ve adopted. I wish I could cite them, but I think they all started with the earliest of philosophers and morphed over centuries into modern day self-help books, podcasts, memes, etc.

• I remind myself that feelings aren’t facts and don’t believe everything I think. My worry may not be in clear focus.
• I trust that the solution will come to me when I’m ready for it.
• I trust that where I am right now is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
• I trust that anything meant for me will always find a way; it will never escape me. I will work hard but I will force nothing.
• I forgive myself for having to do what is necessary for self-preservation.
• I understand that most of what happens outside of me is outside of my control, so I make an effort to pay less attention.
• I accept that I may not be where I expected to be in almost every aspect of my life, but I am here nonetheless so I’m going to make the best of it.
• I allow myself to get down and dark from time to time. It’s part of the journey, and the sun always shines again.
• I look back on my life and think of all I’ve survived. I reframe and re-centre and get on with living.

What we see of people’s lives on social media, mine included, are usually the joyous parts. And for me as a woman going it on her own, it becomes a way of documenting my existence. When you have a partner in your life, they become a witness to your experience of living life, but when you don’t, social media becomes a passive way to connect with humans, perhaps a self-soothing way to say, “I’m still here!”

I’m fortunate to have some great people in my world, people with full lives themselves, so our time together is often short but oh so sweet. In a few cases, that quality time involves simple fun, blowing off steam, usually some great food and drink, getting caught up, reconnecting on the highs, the lows, the laughable, the things that make tears well in our eyes, and doing an overall temperature check on how each other are doing. Most relationships are superficial in nature. But we need these special, trusted ones where we can lay down our sword, take off our armour, and safely allow our honest, authentic selves to unfurl. I think those are the most necessary, intimate, and sacred relationships of all. For those, I am beholden.

I was speaking with a friend of mine a few days ago. His very successful son is a big city guy, moving and shaking and hustling for a living, out in the financial district. Talent unlimited, he’s always been known for his entrepreneurial spirit and charisma. He’d just experienced a terrible relationship breakdown, one he’d never seen coming, one filled with betrayals of the worst kind. The type that changes a person. My friend had gone to visit him and to hang out for a few days, which they always look forward to doing. That time is always packed with letting loose and endless adventure. When he returned from his visit, I asked him how his son was doing. He reported that he was doing great! He’s got this amazing condo in the heart of one of the best neighbourhoods of the city, he’s crushing it in the corporate world and doing very well for himself. He’s living a great life, is traveling endlessly, and has it all together, he proudly proclaimed. I could see where my friend was coming from as all of those things are positive news stories in his son’s life. But it didn’t necessarily answer the question I was asking, and maybe I should have asked the question differently. It did answer the question the way most people ask it, on the face of it. We ask this question dozens of times each day; it’s standard script.

However, I wanted to know, how he was really doing?

It’s important to go deep sometimes, but I recognize we are not all easily equipped to do so, to ask the questions, to want to ask the questions, to be able to support someone who may not provide the answer we expected, to deal with the heavy emotional lift that could result from what was meant as a simple question. It can be uncomfortable, messy, and even scary. Sometimes the time and place are not right. Sometimes we don’t want to turn the mood if they are seemingly swimming in smiles.

Asking the heavy question reminds me of my time attending a suicide intervention training program decades ago when I was working with the most vulnerable of clients.

• Note: This was a professional training program and the small piece I speak to next is only part of a much larger intervention technique and I’m using it only because it parallels with aspects of my story. Mine is not professional advice. There are many resources available. Here’s one of high value: https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/04/20/707686101/how-to-help-someone-at-risk-of-suicide

One key step in the training is asking the person you worry may be considering suicide to specifically ask, “Are you thinking of killing yourself?” There are many ways you can ask the question but the point is to be calm, clear, direct, and to ask without emotion or judgment. Asking the question will not give the person the idea if they didn’t already consider it. It is about fact-finding, being a safe place for someone to be honest, and taking time to slow things down so you can move towards the best steps to finding the right intervention and professional support.

While this was the strongest of examples to illustrate my point, I hope we all have people in our lives who will ask the questions that allow us to safely and comfortably express what’s happening within us. The lack of depth is most evident with men (another way patriarchy negatively impacts them), which is why we see staggering rates of men suiciding at 3x that of women. The long-engrained, misguided trappings of strength, courage, resilience, power, and independence evidenced in the social construct of masculinity is obviously a factor. The stiff-upper-lip of it all that has been predominant during my entire lifetime and that of all generations before me still excessively permeates. Add familial, cultural, religious, societal, psychological, and other contributors to the mix and it’s no wonder sensitivity, gentleness, depth and true vulnerability remain out of reach for many men, whether giving or receiving.

But what spurred this article today was a 10-second incident I experienced yesterday. I was out walking the trail with my dog and behind me, I heard men's voices. The young 20-somethings in their stylish running gear, shirtless, muscles abound, headbands, very 2024-cool were engaged in conversation as they ran up and past me. The one asked of the other, “So how are things going for you?” to which the other replied, “Everything is going pretty good.” And this is where the conversation often ends. But not in this case. The first man continued, “I know you were going through a rough patch. How are you doing emotionally?” to which the other began to express greater details as they jogged off in front of me. There was no awkwardness about asking the question and no hesitation about asking for greater detail. There was no hesitation in the initial answer and no discomfort in providing more information about his struggles and where he is at now. This 10-seconds was some of the best part of my day, because I believe we are welcoming a generation of young men who are brave and willing to shatter those old norms. I was so proud of them both, total strangers to me but who obviously held a deep bond of trust and who were open in expressing the honest, messy stuff. I loved knowing that this conversation happened and instantly hoped there were far more of them occurring among men of all generations, but likely more among the younger ones. It gave me hope for the future, for my son who is of the same generation as them, and who possesses the same kind of willingness to go another layer down, in his own gentle way.

We all need people like this in our lives; people who won’t stop at the superficial. Granted, we are not all wired to go to the next level, but we are all capable of empathy, compassion, and understanding. Maybe our generation and those before ours saw that as weak or intrusive and some simply don’t have the language, but we can learn, by tip-toeing into slightly deeper waters when a moment presents itself. Maybe we are not prepared for the answer, but all we really need to do is listen, then listen a little more. Just allowing someone the opportunity to let a bit of air out of the balloon will leave them feeling lighter and more capable of solving their own problems. Perhaps our own traumas disallow us from doing anything below surface level, or that we are ourselves struggling and we don’t have the capacity for another’s struggles too. In this case, may a person of safety and vulnerability be there, ready to go deep with you.

Practice the skill of going deep, without judgement or conditions. To ask questions, then listen; to ask for clarification and to listen some more; to acknowledge, to sympathize or empathize, to understand, and to promise to hold a trusted space for vulnerability.

Model it, encourage it, normalize it, and praise it as the strongest flex and the most courageous act, so generations to come stand a chance for meaningful, connected human relationships.

This is the greatest gift you can give.

❤